Seeing life differently

“There is no community when the individual is only in it for themselves.” Dr. BLR

As someone who recently entered a new decade and looks forward to a few more, I've found that growing older has opened my eyes to life's realities and the people within it. Maybe I should’ve paid better attention, but I am a slow learner. Keeping my eyes open helps me give the best advice when asked. I have nothing to gain from what I say, only that those who ask for my advice think about it. 

From the outset, I’ll admit I’m not disheartened when people put their best interests first. This is human behavior and should be expected. However, it’s been my experience that many people really don’t give a fuck. What am I referring to? 

This has been a challenging year for many families who have lost someone, mine included. I find some platitudes of sympathy empty. Oftentimes, you’ll hear “I’m sorry for your loss” or “Just call me if you need anything.” I get it. We all have busy lives, but if you were close to that person, call or stop by to check in. I like to think I’m different because when I say it, I mean it. I frequently mourn people I have known for a very long time. I do it by hanging their pictures in my home and talking to them, even though I know they’re gone. I even use their birthdates as passwords to computer programs, which also keeps me attached. It helps me appreciate the days we have left on this earth. This is the main reason I don’t like attending wakes or funerals. I want to remember a person when they were alive, not in a coffin. Yes, we do mourn differently, and it should be respected. 

Another thing I’ve paid particular attention to is the exploitative nature of people. Growing up, I’ve never been accused of fitting into a box because I can be unpredictable, which I believe is the best way to be. However, I’ve known too many people who will use you, your friendship, and whatever else they can to gain an advantage. You should always be circumspect about the people around you, including those you call friends. It’s been my practice to keep my circle small and not tell anyone anything I don’t want repeated.  

You’re probably thinking I’m cynical, and you’d be 100% correct. Having spent twenty-five years in law enforcement and been deceived by some of my closest acquaintances and family members, I’ve developed a rock-solid façade. I have no regrets because the lessons have prepared me for the latter part of my life and helped me share my experiences with my students and my children. I won’t say I don’t give a fuck, because I do. I put things into their proper perspective and let shit roll off my back. I don’t have high expectations of human behavior because I’m keenly aware that most people follow established patterns of deceit. I believe it’s something we collectively learn throughout our lives and pass on to the next generations without careful explanation. Sadly, this is what has caused us to repeat our past. 

Probably the greatest thing I’ve come to grips with is that you cannot hold people to the same standard you hold yourself to, because you will most likely be disappointed. I cannot count how many times this has happened, so I shake my head and keep moving. I’m of the mindset that people will have to figure things out for themselves, as I had to growing up. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but I have an innate ability to correct myself if I’ve done something foul. While not a religious person, I do believe in karma in the strongest sense, and I don’t want it to boomerang and strike me. 

Moving on, the changes in a person’s professional life when they attain a new status or feel the need to join groups, clubs, and organizations just to fit in are truly astonishing. I cannot count the number of times I’ve seen friends, acquaintances, and former colleagues metamorphose right before my eyes when their status changed. Chasing the proverbial carrot is real shit, and it will cause a person to rat out their momma to move up whatever ladder, either corporate or otherwise, they’re attempting to climb. Yet what I’ve known to be true is that titles, jobs, and positions are temporary, and retirement is not always pleasant if you were an asshole. When a person has to be referred to by their first name, without the clout, the downward spiral is precipitous and unforgiving. Humble pie won’t be served, but the request for favors will come. I suggest letting the call go to voicemail, and after a while, they will stop. 

Hopefully, the adage “it takes a village” will return, and we’ll get back to caring about one another. It will be complicated by the high cost of just about everything, the political climate we find ourselves in, and the deepening divide between those who have it all and everyone else. I am pretty sure people will realize that the inevitable change in all societies is unstoppable and that they will confront only those responsible, not those trying to survive. I see life differently because I was forced to, and not because I wanted to.